How to become a millionaire

Welcome to a weekly life and relationships column by Iris Owen, aka Nectarine Girl – the reigning queen of Depop, fame-hungry wordsmith, and author of the wackiest newsletter in London, Nectarine News.

I will start by saying that, just to be clear, I am, in no way, a millionaire. But you’re probably not shocked to hear that I would very much like to be one.

Who wouldn’t? Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? didn’t really need a question mark at the end of its title (other than for punctuation purposes) to become the most popular quiz show in the world. If they’d called it Who Wants To Milk A Goat?, I’m quite sure the audience would have been considerably smaller.

Game show success aside, though, how exactly to score that mill? That is the, well, million dollar question. I’ll share with you a few of my experiences that may not have worked… so far… but they still might. The deal is: if you do achieve extreme wealth by following my advice, you must give me 20 per cent. Now I just need five of you to reach seven figures and I’m sorted.

Is that what they call a pyramid scheme? If so, I like how it is shaping up. Assuming nobody goes to jail, naturally.

Let’s start with a fact: those ​“get rich quick” things don’t work. I bet you already knew that but I, of course, learnt this through trial and error. I don’t know what made me think I could be a Forex trader. I genuinely couldn’t understand anything less if I tried.

There was this guy who went to my sixth form, Vlad. He appeared to make a fortune from bitcoiny stuff, but it turned out the Instagram pictures taken on ​“his” private jet were paid for and staged in a carpark at Heathrow. Vlad the Imposter, I call him now.

The obvious route is the lottery, right? I enter it on a bi-weekly basis, and also treat myself to a scratch card, provided the queue in the Co-op isn’t too long. Some people would argue this hobby is the opposite way to financial success, but you really do have to be ​“in it to win it”. God, marketing is so amazingly effective on me. I wish other things worked so well, like homeopathy or education.

Back to the lottery that is the lottery: my boyfriend and I think we are due to win quite soon, given our dedication. I can’t wait to go public with the money and then go viral for spending the entirety of it by the following Monday.

Meanwhile, returning to the subject of WWTBAM?: I apply for a hell of a lot of game shows and my recent video application for the daddy of them all was incredible, if I do say so myself. I kept it stylish and to the point, sat on a single chair in an empty room, and simply said ​“I do” in answer to the title question. I’d also milk a goat, in case you were wondering. Paris Hilton is still a legend for squeezing that cow.

I have had some million dollar ideas over the years but my downfall was not acting quickly enough. One was my concept for a halloumi restaurant called Hallo Me, Hallo You, Hallo Us, which would’ve rocketed before everyone else jumped on the chewy cheese wagon. My dad famously (only amongst our family) thought up the concept of Gogglebox, long before it was a TV show. He also invented Celebrity Sudoku, which no one has even bothered copying. Hopefully, it’s bright ideas rather than ignoble failure that I have inherited.

I shan’t even tell you the idea for my next restaurant based entirely around a yellow fruit that is not a lemon, or a honeydew melon, or a dragon fruit (there are way more sun-hued fruits than I thought, sorry). In fact, I shall race you all down to the patent office now! Meet you at the end of the rainbow…