How do you sort out a wanker?

Courtesy of Wankers of the World

You send them to Wankers of the World.

Wankers of the World are a collective of global wank spotters’ who’ve been staging a stealth take over of London’s walls and telephone boxes with their unique brand of wanker-takedown. Targets have included dead-eyed powermongers such as Donald Trump, Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson – basically, the men who’ve been keeping the little people little, the poor poor and the minorities minoritised.

You may have seen a (totally legit, we promise) shoot of Donald Trump wearing nothing but a garter belt plastered on a wall down Kingsland Road last year, while taking over Glastonbury Festival back in 2017 with fake ads for Boris’ Brexit Billions and a Donald Trump Penis Pump – both of which were playing on a loop for the crowds to enjoy. As well as this, they have a shop where you can show your anti-wanker support on their website – Brexit cigarette boxes, Trump badges and Political Whores flyer pack included.

Below, we caught up with the masterminds behind Wankers of the World. If you’re offended…fuck off.

Courtesy of Wankers of the World

How did you come up with the WOTW idea?

In 1990 we went on a little family holiday to the Johnny Fowler caravan park near Bournemouth. It was a lovely sunny day, and we were queuing up to buy an ice cream on the beachfront. Our cousin Shaun was well excited because he was gonna buy his first ever Twister. Or Tangle Twister as they were known in those hazy early days. We approached the counter, then from nowhere a grey looking man in his mid-20s who was smoking a fag and bragging about his golf handicap pushed little Shaun to the ground and proceeded to buy the last Twister in the shop. It was horrendous. We watched on as his leathery tongue licked and slurped at the pineapple and lime goodness, his cigarette still poking from the side of his mouth. He puffed and sucked away for a minute or two then suddenly, just before he reached the delicious strawberry centre, tossed the half-eaten ice cream to the floor in the direction of a crippled seagull. We never forgot his face or that clown-like laugh and vowed to one day avenge our cousin’s loss. No one likes a queue jumper. Then sometime in late 2009, we were watching telly, and up popped a picture of the smoky, tweed-blazer-wearing wanker from that day in Bournemouth. His name was Nigel Farage.

Do you think the world is a bit too serious in the current climate?

Definitely! Although we think that global warming has a lot to do with it.

How do you spot a clear wank target?

Here at the WOTW HQ, our head researcher, Barbara, works tirelessly around the clock to provide us with a solid list of viable wankers. Nothing slips through her meaty hands. She’s so integral to our operation that for her 80th birthday, we had a whip-round and bought her one of those electric stand-up desks. It was great until it broke in the halfway position and now she has to work on her knees. But Barbara being Barbara isn’t letting that hiccup affect her dogged crusade to hunt down wankers. Also, we bought her a cushion from Argos which helped.

What makes a wanker a wanker?

Re-gifting a Christmas gift at Christmas, contaminating a town’s water with lead, writing your memoirs from a £25,000 garden shed, that kind of thing.

Do you care about the feelings of your wank targets?

Yes, one of our main objectives here at WOTW is to ensure that everyone we target is treated fairly and with as much respect as possible. Just the other day for example, in our Monday morning brainstorm session, we were all saying how funny it would be to strip Donald Trump naked, then put him inside a giant papier-mache doll that was painted to look exactly like Donald Trump. We had planned to hang it in the yard at the ADX-Florence Supermax prison and let the inmates use it like a giant piñata. Imagine how their little faces would’ve lit up when, after several hundred blows, they released the blubbery orange treat inside. But in the end, we decided against orchestrating that particular stunt as we didn’t want to upset anyone.

Snog, marry, avoid WOTW edition: Donald Trump, Theresa May and Nigel Farage.

Easy. Forcibly snog Donald Trump on the dancefloor at the reception of your marriage to Theresa May. She’d be well jel and proper heartbroken after the months spent choosing which giant metallic necklace to wear. What was the third one again?

What is your biggest wank pet peeve?

I suppose when – after a long day, you’re trying to have a well-earned five knuckle shuffle and your dog Muffles starts howling at your balls and his smelly dog breath is a proper buzz kill.

In your opinion, who is the wankiest of wankers?

Excellent question. It would have to be this lad called Dervish who was in our class at school. He found a whole bin bag full of porn in a rubbish bin behind Wood Green Shopping City. Everyone was proper jealous of that wanker.

Do you have any words for the people offended by what you do?

We don’t have a proper complaints department yet. But we do know a guy called Gary who’s from the county of Essex and he makes his own pickles – or Wallies as he likes to call them. They are scrumptious. If you’re really upset and down in the dumps about our output, then send us a stamped addressed envelope and we’ll get Gaz to send you a few tangy treats as a way of apology.



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