Courtesy of Wankers of the World

How do you sort out a wanker?

You send them to Wankers of the World.

Wankers of the World are a col­lec­tive of glob­al wank spot­ters’ who’ve been stag­ing a stealth take over of London’s walls and tele­phone box­es with their unique brand of wanker-take­down. Tar­gets have includ­ed dead-eyed pow­er­mon­gers such as Don­ald Trump, Nigel Farage and Boris John­son – basi­cal­ly, the men who’ve been keep­ing the lit­tle peo­ple lit­tle, the poor poor and the minori­ties minoritised. 

You may have seen a (total­ly legit, we promise) shoot of Don­ald Trump wear­ing noth­ing but a garter belt plas­tered on a wall down Kings­land Road last year, while tak­ing over Glas­ton­bury Fes­ti­val back in 2017 with fake ads for Boris’ Brex­it Bil­lions and a Don­ald Trump Penis Pump – both of which were play­ing on a loop for the crowds to enjoy. As well as this, they have a shop where you can show your anti-wanker sup­port on their web­site – Brex­it cig­a­rette box­es, Trump badges and Polit­i­cal Whores fly­er pack included. 

Below, we caught up with the mas­ter­minds behind Wankers of the World. If you’re offended…fuck off.

Courtesy of Wankers of the World

How did you come up with the WOTW idea?

In 1990 we went on a lit­tle fam­i­ly hol­i­day to the John­ny Fowler car­a­van park near Bournemouth. It was a love­ly sun­ny day, and we were queu­ing up to buy an ice cream on the beach­front. Our cousin Shaun was well excit­ed because he was gonna buy his first ever Twister. Or Tan­gle Twister as they were known in those hazy ear­ly days. We approached the counter, then from nowhere a grey look­ing man in his mid-20s who was smok­ing a fag and brag­ging about his golf hand­i­cap pushed lit­tle Shaun to the ground and pro­ceed­ed to buy the last Twister in the shop. It was hor­ren­dous. We watched on as his leath­ery tongue licked and slurped at the pineap­ple and lime good­ness, his cig­a­rette still pok­ing from the side of his mouth. He puffed and sucked away for a minute or two then sud­den­ly, just before he reached the deli­cious straw­ber­ry cen­tre, tossed the half-eat­en ice cream to the floor in the direc­tion of a crip­pled seag­ull. We nev­er for­got his face or that clown-like laugh and vowed to one day avenge our cousin’s loss. No one likes a queue jumper. Then some­time in late 2009, we were watch­ing tel­ly, and up popped a pic­ture of the smoky, tweed-blaz­er-wear­ing wanker from that day in Bournemouth. His name was Nigel Farage.

Do you think the world is a bit too seri­ous in the cur­rent climate?

Def­i­nite­ly! Although we think that glob­al warm­ing has a lot to do with it.

How do you spot a clear wank target?

Here at the WOTW HQ, our head researcher, Bar­bara, works tire­less­ly around the clock to pro­vide us with a sol­id list of viable wankers. Noth­ing slips through her meaty hands. She’s so inte­gral to our oper­a­tion that for her 80th birth­day, we had a whip-round and bought her one of those elec­tric stand-up desks. It was great until it broke in the halfway posi­tion and now she has to work on her knees. But Bar­bara being Bar­bara isn’t let­ting that hic­cup affect her dogged cru­sade to hunt down wankers. Also, we bought her a cush­ion from Argos which helped.

What makes a wanker a wanker?

Re-gift­ing a Christ­mas gift at Christ­mas, con­t­a­m­i­nat­ing a town’s water with lead, writ­ing your mem­oirs from a £25,000 gar­den shed, that kind of thing.

Do you care about the feel­ings of your wank targets?

Yes, one of our main objec­tives here at WOTW is to ensure that every­one we tar­get is treat­ed fair­ly and with as much respect as pos­si­ble. Just the oth­er day for exam­ple, in our Mon­day morn­ing brain­storm ses­sion, we were all say­ing how fun­ny it would be to strip Don­ald Trump naked, then put him inside a giant papi­er-mache doll that was paint­ed to look exact­ly like Don­ald Trump. We had planned to hang it in the yard at the ADX-Flo­rence Super­max prison and let the inmates use it like a giant piña­ta. Imag­ine how their lit­tle faces would’ve lit up when, after sev­er­al hun­dred blows, they released the blub­bery orange treat inside. But in the end, we decid­ed against orches­trat­ing that par­tic­u­lar stunt as we didn’t want to upset anyone.

Snog, mar­ry, avoid WOTW edi­tion: Don­ald Trump, There­sa May and Nigel Farage.

Easy. Forcibly snog Don­ald Trump on the dance­floor at the recep­tion of your mar­riage to There­sa May. She’d be well jel and prop­er heart­bro­ken after the months spent choos­ing which giant metal­lic neck­lace to wear. What was the third one again?

What is your biggest wank pet peeve?

I sup­pose when – after a long day, you’re try­ing to have a well-earned five knuck­le shuf­fle and your dog Muf­fles starts howl­ing at your balls and his smelly dog breath is a prop­er buzz kill.

In your opin­ion, who is the wanki­est of wankers?

Excel­lent ques­tion. It would have to be this lad called Dervish who was in our class at school. He found a whole bin bag full of porn in a rub­bish bin behind Wood Green Shop­ping City. Every­one was prop­er jeal­ous of that wanker.

Do you have any words for the peo­ple offend­ed by what you do?

We don’t have a prop­er com­plaints depart­ment yet. But we do know a guy called Gary who’s from the coun­ty of Essex and he makes his own pick­les – or Wal­lies as he likes to call them. They are scrump­tious. If you’re real­ly upset and down in the dumps about our out­put, then send us a stamped addressed enve­lope and we’ll get Gaz to send you a few tangy treats as a way of apology.



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