What might Twitter look like under Elon Musk?

In the official filing of his bid to buy Twitter, Elon Musk offered to buy all of its shares for $54.20 each, squeezing in a weed reference while advocating for it to become ​“the platform for free speech around the globe”. It’s not the first time that cannabis has figured in Musk’s business dealings, either. In 2018, Musk was sued by the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission after tweeting that he had ​“funding secured” to potentially take the company private at $420 per share. Tesla and Musk eventually settled the suit by paying $20 million in civil fines each. So, with a new opportunity to demonstrate his love of the ganj, Musk will – we imagine – be tweaking the platform in some wholly new and embarrassing way.

Ah, the coveted bluetick, the ultimate sign of prestige on the bluebird app. But alas, if you’ve worked hard to bag yourself one of these online status symbols on Twitter, Musk’s takeover could mean that it will be snatched away from you in an instant. Why? Well, we predict that social cachet will no longer depend on whether you’re a Very Important Tweeter. Instead, it will hinge on whether you’ve invested in Dogecoin – a meme coin previously promoted by Musk. Oh, and the blue tick will be replaced by the cryptocurrency’s logo. Download Coinbase now or regret it later.

Don’t ask about the technicalities of this. As very reliable source Donald Trump says, Elon Musk is ​“one of our great geniuses”, so we’re sure he’ll figure it out. All you need to know is that your romantic stargazing getaways will soon be ruined – sorry, enhanced – by Musk’s tweets being blown up on the moon, kind of like the Bat-signal for tech bros. Who wouldn’t want to see visionary takes such as ​“at least 50% of my tweets were made on a porcelain throne” while marvelling at the universe?

Whenever we log in to Twitter dot com to express our discontent at our incompetent government, browse memes or share our silly little pictures, we’ll have the honour of being allowed to lock into one long Joe Rogan podcast. Want to hear a grown man offer to train another for an ​“epic” one-on-one fight with Vladimir Putin? You’re in luck.

“I hope that even my worst critics remain on Twitter, because that is what free speech means,” Musk tweeted on Monday. An honourable cause. Historically, the business magnate has fought for his freedom of speech, including defending himself (and winning) in a defamation trial brought by a British caver he called ​“pedo guy”. But freedom of speech doesn’t seem to apply to all. Especially, if you’re a former Tesla employee who’s been laid off and asked to sign a non-disparagement clause with no end-date. But hey, at least fellow free speech advocate Trump might get his account back…