The Big Mood: the Cats’ trailer

One week, one mood: Moya Lothian-Mclean’s deep-dive into the feel of the week.

What makes some­one human? Self-cog­nizant sen­tience? Phys­i­ol­o­gy? An over­pow­er­ing desire for mean­ing­ful social con­nec­tion? I would argue, none of these. 

What tru­ly sep­a­rates human­i­ty from the oth­er flesh sacks that rut, hunt and roam this plan­et is the dev­as­tat­ing urge to fuck about with things that real­ly don’t need fuck­ing about with. A curios­i­ty to always push the big red but­ton, if you will, and test the lim­its of the nat­ur­al order. It is the men­tal­i­ty immor­talised in Juras­sic Park by Ian Mal­colm (Jeff Gold­blum at the height of insou­ciant fit­ness). You were so pre­oc­cu­pied with whether or not you could,” he admon­ish­es park own­er John Ham­mond. You didn’t stop to think if you should.” This is why Brex­it is hap­pen­ing. And this is why Tom Hoop­er has been allowed to bring Andrew Lloyd Web­ber musi­cal Cats to the sil­ver screen. Meow. 

The trail­er for Cats was released this week and hon­est­ly, if you haven’t seen it, it is almost impos­si­ble to describe why you absolute­ly shouldn’t watch it, but – simul­ta­ne­ous­ly – why you need to go and watch it right now.

The whole thing has left me gasp­ing for air because Cats is an abom­i­na­tion; Jen­nifer Hud­son and Dame Judi Dench ren­dered as curi­ous­ly small, semi-CGI felines, pro­vokes the same full-body repul­sion that star­ing at a Hierony­mus Bosch hellscape would. Cats offends all sen­si­bil­i­ties. Cats is what hap­pens when musi­cal the­atre kids some­how escape from the locked janitor’s clos­et they were stuffed into by the school bul­ly and get giv­en a $50 mil­lion bud­get to re-make one of the Eight­ies’ most bonkers the­atri­cal pro­duc­tions. It didn’t make sense then, and the coke was a heck of a lot stronger. Imag­ine what expe­ri­enc­ing Cats now, in this age of cyn­i­cism, irony and mind­ful drink­ing, will be like. 

Rumour has it that the movie’s been on the draw­ing board for 20 years – wait­ing for the tools nec­es­sary to make it to be per­fect­ed. Now the dig­i­tal fur tech­nol­o­gy” is ready and so is Cats. Except it isn’t and Jason Deru­lo looks like a melt­ed lion seen through the prism of a par­tic­u­lar­ly har­row­ing 2CB trip. 

Why do we do this? Why must we resist law­ful good and turn instead to tin­ker­ing with that which we should not? Is the serpent’s apple real­ly so irre­sistible? Is this why men are chow­ing down on squir­rels, osten­si­bly to protest veg­an­ism? Is this why heat dri­ves peo­ple to ride scoot­ers com­plete­ly nude? Is this why Boris John­son – a man who is supreme­ly unsuit­ed to the role – is now PM

Repeat after me: just because we can doesn’t mean we should.

Now, one tick­et to Cats please. 

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