If you’re single, stop reading. Valentine’s Day is just a marketing ploy to have you second-guess your tragic Hinge profile and twiddle your thumbs in the hopes of a last-minute date. Or even just a reply.

But if you’re one of the lucky ones, keep reading – and start thinking about how you’re going to earn yourself a shag next Monday. Luckily for you, we’ve meticulously curated your go-to Valentine’s gift guide for all things sexy. We’ve got heart-shaped bags, heart-printed hats, pink stuff, soft porn, leather, lace and a handy massager – for reasons you can keep to yourself.

Happy Valentine’s, you filthy animals x

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