Think you can survive in the wild? Not without this how-to camping guide

As a wise man once said: “Welcome to the jungle” (or, more likely, a safe and well-monitored forested area). To survive out here, you’ll need grit, determination… and a sensible collection of ropes and hammock hardware.

Your hammock will be the spot from which you commune with nature, so choose its place wisely, young grasshopper. Consider the distance between the two ends, and use tree straps as well as buckles, you might do some damage: these oaks and pines are probably older than your nan, so just have a bit of respect, yeah?

Throw your phone into a nearby rock pool – or at least, like, turn it off – and get ready to observe the hell out of the limitless beauty of the natural world. It’s hammock time, baby!

Carry out an extensive vibe check on a) your campground and b) your tent-mate. You don’t want to end up on soggy grass, or stuck with a snorer, after all.

Unpack your essentials: toothpaste, water canteen, the cuddly toy that you still travel with despite being in your late twenties. No, you’re not “scared of the dark,” Walter just loves camping, OK?

Packing down a pop-up tent may be the equivalent of an hour’s cardio in the gym, but the countryside should be left as you found it – which means no abandoned equipment rolling about like plastic tumbleweeds. Make like a generally well-reviewed US crime drama that ran for seven seasons between 2002 and 2009, and get going Without a Trace.

Looking the part is important when it comes to catching fish. Not only will the right gear – like this fetching mosquito net hat – impress the fish (a famously stylish species); it’ll also help you retain snooker player levels of concentration.

Keep your eyes on the prize: humiliate your friends and show your dominance by making a trophy catch. Now who’s the big fish?