A sexy Valentine’s gift guide to help you avoid getting dumped

If you’re single, stop reading. Valentine’s Day is just a marketing ploy to have you second-guess your tragic Hinge profile, while twiddling your thumbs hoping for a last-minute date. Or even just a reply.

But if you’re one of the lucky ones, keep reading. Now’s the time to start thinking about how you’re going to earn yourself a shag next Monday. Lucky for you, we’ve meticulously curated your go-to Valentine’s gift guide for all things sexy. There’s heart-shaped bags, heart-printed hats, lots of pink stuff, soft porn, leather, lace and a handy massager… for uses you can keep to yourself.

Happy Valentine’s, you filthy animals.