The solid gold cock ring worth £25k

Yesterday, news broke that Frank Ocean’s luxury brand Homer is flogging the XXXL H‑Bone Ring, an 18-karat gold and diamond cock ring, for the pricey sum of $25,000 (about £20,600).

Why, in a cost-of-living crisis, should you invest in a cock ring worth as much as a deposit for a house, you mask?

Just to be clear, we’re not encouraging anyone to extend their overdraft or take out a loan to buy the H‑Bone Ring. If you’ve got the cash, then fine. Some people spend that kind of money on an engagement ring, after all. Subverting society’s entrenched heteronormativity by proposing to your male partner, gay or straight, with a sparkly cock ring sounds like a fun way to make things official, not to mention an interesting story to tell the grandkids.

Plus, for an extra seven grand or so, you can customise your Homer cock ring with 60 lab-grown diamonds – a win for the environment. That’s our climate-conscious Frank, eh? And given that his Boys Don’t Cry zine (which was given out for free upon release in 2016) is now usually sold on eBay for over £300, one can only imagine how much the H‑Bone will be worth in a few years. We’re talking about a serious asset here.

Jokes aside, I reckon we should be paying more attention to the vibe this cock ring emits, rather than thinking about buying or using it properly. A bog standard Lovehoney number will do the job just fine, but this summer is all about being unapologetically horny – feral, even. It’s not been this hot for so many successive days in Britain for what feels like years, so why not make things even hotter?

The XXXL H‑Bone Ring feels like a visual and physical embodiment of the unhinged energy permeating our brains right now, while reinforcing Frank Ocean as a modern day sex symbol – and a business-savvy one, at that. When he launched Homer in 2018, he told the Financial Times: ​“I didn’t want our work to be any less expensive than Cartier.”

We’ll probably be waiting a while for Cartier to release a rival cock ring, but Ocean’s certainly achieved his goal. And while we wait for new music, we’ll have to satisfy ourselves with a bloody cock ring. Hopefully it gives us a taste of what we can expect from his upcoming album, right?

Jade Wickes, Staff Writer

You’ve gone back to a guy’s house after a night out. He’s hot, a really good kisser and tells you everything you want to hear.

Both of you stumble through his front door, walk through the two-bed flat and there are no red flags. Not even one. Dishes have been washed, there’s no Pulp Fiction poster stuck on the wall and it even smells fresh. In fact, it’s been designed with taste – careful consideration for the furniture, intellectual books on the shelf and the toilet’s been bleached.

As you get to the bedroom, all hot and steamy, you start kissing, ripping off one another’s clothes. He stops for a brief moment.

“Wait there, just got to slide something on,” he whispers into your ear, before going to the bathroom.

Blimey, he’s even big on protection.

He re-emerges with a huge smile on his face, as if proud of himself.

Wow, I must look bloody great.

Then, he pulls his boxers down to reveal a solid gold, diamond-encrusted cock ring wrapping the top of his shaft. He holds his arms above his head and squeezes his biceps, reenacting Zeus, the Greek god.

What would have been the perfect one night stand ends up being anything but, because the man you thought had no red flags (he even had four pillows on his bed) owns an 18-karat gold cock ring worth £20,600. This is the Supreme brick for your dick.

TJ Sidhu, Junior Editor