How to introduce toys into your sex life

Faced with saving my belongings from a burning building, aside from the obvious things like my cats and phone, I would rescue my magic wand. I know that I could replace it but being without it for any period of time induces a cold panic all over my body. What if I need an emergency wank to get over the fire?

A magic wand is a mains operated massager, that gives powerful vibrations like no other. It’s maybe only rivalled by a Sybian: a device that looks like a half-naked mechanical bull upon which you straddle to achieve orgasm (it doesn’t give you much in the way of choice).

Many of us incorporate sex toys with solo play. For those of us with vulvas, toys might even be essential to achieve orgasms. This is mainly due to things like female masturbation having been, for a long time, a taboo subject. With sex education focused on things like how to put a condom on a banana and there being no real room for conversation about ​“female” pleasure, it is not uncommon for people with vulvas to not have achieved orgasm until getting their first sex toy; the most common being a vibrator. But that isn’t to say people with penises aren’t just manually jerking it. There’s a whole industry dedicated to the tech of masturbation sleeves, fleshlights and blow job toys. Not to mention prostate massagers (which, by the way, are completely different to buttplugs – more on which later).

When it comes to sex with a partner, bringing in sex toys can level up your sex game to elite status. But depending on your partner, busting out your favourite dildo in the middle of a bang could be seen as, at the very least, tactless and, at the very worst, hurtful. So how do you bring up in conversation that you would love to bring something new into the bedroom without causing your partner offence?

Firstly, you need to make it clear to one another that this is not about perfection or performance. Your partner is good enough so make sure to get this across. There are many reasons for wanting to bring in a toy, and just as sex is varied, so too are our bodies.

A lot of people with vaginas are unable to reach orgasm through PIV (penis in vagina) or penetrative sex. Be clear that it isn’t because your partner isn’t just hitting it right and you need outside help to get yourself off. Some of us just aren’t built the way to get clitoral stimulation during penetration.

Starting off very simply, a vibrating cock ring can help stimulate the clit during penetration, help with stamina for the person penetrating, and with the added benefit that vibrations actually feel great for everyone. If you want to try something totally clitoris based, then the tiny EVA II sits perfectly on you and has little wings that wrap around the labia, completely uninterrupting penetration. If you both have vaginas, Love Honey does an amazing rechargeable vibrating strapless ​“strap on” meaning that both the wearer and the receiver are being stimulated.

Anal play is great and can be for everyone and anyone who wants to try – it isn’t just for people with a prostate. You can actually get deep G‑spot satisfaction from anal or just a very good feel of ​“fullness” and it makes citrous orgasms incredible. Lead with this to your partner if you want to try it. Just remember that this is something you want to go into slow and steady. With lube. You can never ever have enough lube. Uber Kinky has a great guide on what lube goes where.

Butt plugs are a great way to introduce anal play safely and slowly and you can buy training kits that have three or so small plugs that go up in size for you to get comfortable. Bondara do a few, but these soft jelly ones are great for first-timers and have a nice flared base to keep things snug. Once you are comfortable there’s a whole world of silicone, giant, hooked, bejewelled, tail attachment plugs to try out. My personal favourite is glass. And if plugs aren’t your thing you can also try anal beads, designed to enhance orgasm by pulling them out at the right moment.

If you both just feel like mixing it up even more, and you have money to burn then there are some incredible luxe toys out there that really let you decide how you want to use them. LELO, a company known for really stepping things up in the sex toy world, designed the IDA, a toy that looks like something from Star Trek. It doesn’t tell you how to use it but instead leaves it up to you how to play, insert and work around your bodies. It vibrates, it rotates, and I want to fuck it.

Now we come full circle. The Doxy Wand. Yes, the wand in all its guises is maybe most famous for being a solo toy, however, there’s never been anything hotter than using my old faithful with a partner. My favourite is to be”‘compromised” so there’s no way for me to stop the wand being held down on my clit. The orgasms come over and over no matter how much you beg them to stop.

Remember: however you want to mix things up, just make sure you communicate to your partner that you want to elevate things together and not replace them. They are toys after all, and toys are supposed to be enjoyed.