We interviewed Poo Crave. They answered (almost) none of our questions

A few weeks ago, Poo Crave (stay with us here) got into a bit of hot water.

After Justin Timberlake was arrested for driving while intoxicated, the parody celebrity news X account posted that the singer ​“allegedly had traces of molly, poppers, Truvada and coke in his bloodstream”. Like a pack of hungry hyenas, the internet was all too ready to accept this statement as fact, thinking the news had been tweeted by Pop Crave, Poo Crave’s virtuous twin, a more legitimate X account which aggregates real celeb news. Poo Crave’s account was temporarily suspended and for 24 hours, no one was duped into believing salacious gossip about Elton John’s bussy or Normani’s early retirement.

Poo Crave’s whole deal? Taking the piss out of Pop Crave, subverting the latter’s impersonal, newsy captions and slapping the formula onto bonkers bits of fake news. See also: Joe Biden missing out on his late-afternoon bump of coke or Camila Cabello revealing that, actually, one of the songs on her new album C, XOXO is about Lorde.

And to be fair, the account’s bullshit feels right at home on the news feed these days. From James Charles’ foray into music and Jojo Siwa’s ​“gay pop controversy”, all the way to Katy Perry’s faux-satirical feminist nightmare (all real news), the reason Poo Crave’s tweets are so funny is because, in an increasingly unhinged media landscape, they sound like they could be true. Misinformation is already rife everywhere else; bringing a bit of celeb nonsense into the fold seems like a natural progression.

Masters of unsubtle provocation, shitposting and tongue-in-cheek humour, after causing a genuine stir with that Timberlake gaffe, questions have begun to arise about Poo Crave’s true identity. Who is the mastermind behind it all, really? A lone actor? Multiple gossip-mongers at work? We tried to find out and, er, didn’t get far.

Hello, Poo Crave. Tell us a bit about yourself: when, how and why did your whirlwind of pop parody chaos begin?

I’ve been lying since I was 12. I’ve always had a passion for it. Once, when I was in the ninth grade, I hated this girl named Angela and said she hit me during lunch time in the cafeteria. She was suspended for two weeks. Once I got away with that, it sort of became an addiction and I couldn’t stop lying. I also really loved TMZ and bullying celebrities with my mom when I skipped school. [Poo Crave] was a sort of natural progression [of that]. Sometimes I think about it and how I was kind of destined for this… Does that make sense?

Not really. What was your first introduction to pop culture?

I was homeschooled for a long time, so I never really had any kind of access to the internet or any kind of pop culture. My parents were really strict when I was a kid – they used to ask to smell my breath when I got home from going out to see if I was drinking or doing drugs.

I never really was, but my dad would get mad at me cause my breath smelled like shit. Then it started this whole other kind of fight, ​‘cause he’d be yelling at me for not brushing my teeth, but I never would ​‘cause what if I got hungry at, like, midnight or something before bed and I wanted a snack? I would hide Ruffles under my bed to snack on when it was late ​‘cause if I walked into the kitchen at a weird hour he’d come in and get sooo mad and it was sooo scary! But I don’t really talk to him anymore, so now it’s fine. I don’t even like BBQ Ruffles anymore. I just kind of snack on Pringles now, but my big hand doesn’t fit in the can…

That sounds awful. Really, though, what was the first major celebrity moment that stuck with you?

One of my first pop culture memories has to be when Fergie peed her pants on stage. I really respect a woman who is willing to wet herself for her craft.

What’s the best thing about running Poo Crave?

Well actually the other day I did a Tushy sponsorship, and as someone who loves having gay penetrative sex, I really enjoyed someone giving me free merchandise for something I love doing. I made around $1,000 for one tweet about their half-assed products and they sent me many free bidets, which I’ve used to have many different gay encounters. It really enriched my life. Does that make sense?

That does make sense, finally. Do you get a kick out of duping people?

Back in my youth I made a fake MySpace account posing as a twinkish scene boy named Beppi Giuseppe. I had a lot of notable people on my top five such as my friend Jeffree [Star]. I would send photos to many older gentlemen to get things, such as but not limited to: money, drugs, guest list, dinner and friendship from these suitors. Eventually, though, when you catfish, you get to a point when you run out of photos to use as the catfish and have to obviously fake kill yourself. I loved doing it in dramatic ways. Does that make sense?

Er… Have you ever had a run in with Pop Crave?

She can carry, girl, that’s all I’ll say. We went to Basement [nightclub in New York] the other weekend and it was everything.

You had a close shave with death after that Justin Timberlake tweet. How did that go down at Poo Crave HQ?

We have this office space in Portland with a few people we hired after we started taking off. Most people don’t even think we have any kind of office, but we take things pretty seriously. We have meetings and a non-binary intern or whatever that gets us coffee every morning. We discuss, we read, we brainstorm. But that day was sort of fine, we let all the staff go home early. We’re not dictators, you know? We pay our staff a living wage, benefits, all that. We just supported one of our writers through transition. It was cute. We got her a cake and all that shit.

What are your thoughts on Camila Cabello’s rebrand?

I have nothing but love for her. One of our admins was in the I Luv It video so… It’s a C,XOXO summer.

Not a brat or coconut tree summer?

So I’ve been battling with transsexualism for quite some time. Many people love me for being a beautiful man, but I never seem to have any luck in the gay dating pool as a gay man that looks like a woman. So lately I’ve been considering swimming to the other side of the pool, tucking the ever living shit out of my tea and committing to being a 6/​10 woman with a secret. But honestly, even as I say this, I believe I could really shake the table with my newfound womanhood. You know, I’m funny, tall, slim. I have a good job, great friends, great hair. Girl, it would be absolutely bat shit diabolical.

Right. Any words of wisdom to share with FACE readers?

Don’t let your man finger you after a hot wings mukbang, girls. That sauce lingers in the nail bed.