How do I know if I am bad in bed?

In my illustrious sex career, I have always been proud of my skills and abilities. The question ​“am I bad in bed?” rarely crossed my mind… until a couple of years ago, when a partner decided to tell me that ​“I didn’t do much” and I ​“just lay there”.

Now, looking back, I can confidently say that this was a reflection of his own lack of prowess and a serious case of negging [emotional manipulation]. But at the time, I was stunned. I had never had any complaints before. I’m very open and honest with partners; finding out how they like things, foreplay preferences, if they like a back scratch while we’re fucking, dirty talk, any or all of the above.

I got home and searched every article and listicle I could on how to be better in bed. Of the very few I could find, none were that comprehensive and I was, by their accounts, doing all the right things. The next time I saw him, I amped up the sounds and held on to him like a koala and that seemed to satisfy his issues.

The existential dread of worrying about your own sexual abilities is something I will never forget. Unless you’re unlucky enough to have someone mention that you just aren’t pulling your weight, how exactly do you find out, without actually going through the humiliating task of outright asking your partner? Would they even tell you the truth? Unless you have a humiliation or shame kink, I’m here to tell you that you can examine the situation on your own.

Being bad in bed doesn’t necessarily mean your sex skills are weak. Do you skip foreplay and just go straight for the bang? If so – and I’m sorry to break it to you – but you might be bad in bed. Vaginas generally need foreplay before any kind of penetration for the very basic reason of lubrication. Getting a vagina wet means that when there is penetration, whether through fingers, toys or a dick, it will both work and feel better. There are so many other places people of all genders like to be touched, like nipples, inner thighs, balls, necks and anal stimulation. All of this build-up makes the final act of sex not only hotter but physically better, too.

Are you a pillow prince/​princess? The more you give, the more you shall receive. Facts. No one likes a lazy partner. If you are receiving fantastic blowjobs and aren’t giving head back, then this might mean that you’re bad in bed. Remember, the majority of people with vaginas don’t orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Talk to your partner, find out how they like to get off. Introduce some toys to the bedroom, show them what you like and how you like it.

Now let’s examine getting down to the actual fucking. It is sometimes very difficult in missionary or missionary adjacent positions not to just lay there like a beached turtle being rutted, or as it’s more commonly known, starfishing. Because, really, what else are you supposed to do? But sex is not a passive sport. You don’t need to turn it up to a porn-style screaming level 10, but dialling it up a notch won’t hurt. Try kissing your partner whilst you hold their face or their neck, put your arms around them and stroke their back or even try scratching if they are into it. Be encouraging with some dirty talk – it doesn’t have to be cheesy, just tell them how much you’re enjoying yourself.

Just as it’s important for your partner to not lay there like a starfish, being responsive is key to whoever is doing the fucking. Please, I am begging you, no one likes being jackhammered in and out, and if you were paying attention, you would see that whoever you are literally banging into the headboard is probably wincing. Those noises you have mistaken for moans of pleasure are cries for ​“oh, when will this end?!”. Slow and hard and purposeful is always preferable to just being used as some sort of living fleshlight.

Body language, noises, even facial expressions are all important things to pay attention to in all parts of sex. Focus on how your partner is responding. Are they wriggling around unable to keep still in fits of ecstasy? Or are they laying still, looking a bit bored? Are they not making much noise, do they start moaning or change their breathing when you move your hand or tongue slightly?

Finally, when things have come to an end, are you a cuddler or do you just drop off to sleep? Or do just give your partner a small smack on the arse to note that things have finished and you can go about your business?

Sex definitely doesn’t have to equate to love or even any sort of feels, but it also doesn’t have to feel clinical. Making sure you both, or however many of you are involved, had a good time and are feeling good after. If you make sure you carry out this final caring and considerate part of sex, and everything else I have outlined, I guarantee this will make you a top shagger and not at all bad in bed.