Gifts for the Philophile who can’t afford to sell a kidney

On 30^th October, there was a tectonic shift so mighty that birds froze mid-air, nationwide gasps shattered windows of quiet cul-de-sac semis, and deadly tides rose in the English Channel (apparently). Within a few scrolls of her newly launched website, 99 per cent of Phoebe Philo fans realised, at once, that they would never, ever be able to afford a slice of the Philo pie.

While fans have eagerly awaited the return of the talismanic designer since she departed Celine in 2017, it’s been a slow burn of rumours and industry whispers as to when she’d return with her namesake label. And then, as if overnight, she did, like a slinky Santa flogging leggings for £700, a leather jacket just shy of £6k and a double-breasted shearling coat for double that. Ouch.

Unless you’re of the one per cent who cleared the website in a matter of days (mad), you’re probably in the market for some quality gifts that won’t cost an arm, leg and a kidney. We’re here to help with a selection of more affordable gifts for the teary-eyed Philophile who wants to look killer without a stand-off with the bailiffs.

Alright, a bit of a shameless plug. But get closer to Phoebe by bagging a copy of THE FACE’s September 2002 issue featuring Harrow-on-the-Hill’s finest export – dressed as Catwoman, no less. Here, you’ll get the inside scoop on pre-Celine Philo, fresh on her Chloé creative director tip and revealing all sorts from her early days of clubbing in silver hot pants. Oh, and there’s a Q&A with Peter Kay in it, too.

THE FACE September 2002 from Magazine Canteen, £179.50

There’s enough cashmere to make your very own sheep farm on phoe​bephi​lo​.com. But it’ll set you back. Keep it local and make a B‑line to your nearest M&S. The trusty high street stalwart has got a fully-loaded range of cashmere sweaters that come in V‑necks, crewnecks, all the necks. Besides, cashmere’s cashmere, no?

M&S cashmere jumper, £85

Among the first Philo item to sell out was the chunky necklace with ​“MUM” written across it, for a cool £3,000. Other than reminding us to call the old dear once in a while, it took us back to the playground and those Elizabeth Duke rings sold at Argos. What the hell, let’s bring those back. Mum’s officially the word.

Pre-owned William May 9ct gold Mum ring, £179

Size matters – at least when it comes to Phoebe’s sunglasses. The brown, all-encompassing ​“Bombé oversize frame sunglasses” cover pretty much half your mug, which is great for concealing hangovers or if you’re downright ugly. If you can’t stretch to £540 for a pair of sunnies you’ll likely lose in a late-night Uber, consider this pair of Oakley snow goggles. They’re as obnoxiously big and even come with a handy strap to tie onto your wrist once you’re in the dark. All win, no lose.

Oakley Target Line L Snow Goggles, £66

Part of Phoebe’s second drop includes a pair of gold mini shorts studded to the nines. At £850 a pop, they’d make even Kylie herself blush. Instead, get your partner’s creative juices flowing with their very own stud machine. They can go buck wild on anything they fancy then, can’t they?

The Green Machine Hand Press, £68.99

’Tis the season and Phoebe’s ​“Cascade necklace” is a chip off the ol’ Crimbo tinsel. But not the naff frilly stuff from the dusty box under mum’s staircase. Instead, gift some silver fringe tinsel, snip it off and fashion it into an accessory not so dissimilar from the real (£1500) deal.

Tinsel fringe garland, £24.99

Take it back to the days of Henry Holland’s indie sleaze, crude-but-cool tees with this one specially dedicated to Phoebe Philo (other examples include: ​“Flick yer bean for Agyness Deyn” and ​“Cause me pain Hedi Slimane”). Go on, say it like you mean it – but maybe don’t wear it around her. Or your nan, for that matter.

Disclaimer: we searched high and low but couldn’t actually find one for sale. Sorry. You could always make your own, though.