How to get really, really good at sexting

There’s nothing that makes me feel more depraved and turned on than a well-crafted sext that’s specifically for me. Even a hint of personalisation that shows you’ve been listening to what turns me on, rather than a generic ​“your big tits make me so hard”, will reduce me to a melted puddle. But nothing makes me dry up and cringe harder than a badly worded, misguided sext. And if you add in the purple devil emoji, then you have given me the ick and locked yourself out of my love life forever.

Sexting truly is one of the greatest tools we all have in our sex arsenal. Whether you’ve ascended to that next level with that person from The Apps you’ve been messaging, or are just thinking truly filthy thoughts about your partner, a good sext can be a great all-day build up to an even better evening.

Creating the perfect sext doesn’t have to be an art form. But banging out 100 words about your wildest fantasies just after someone has mentioned something slightly sexy in a message isn’t the power move you might think it is. Feeling out when to send someone a sext is almost as important as the content. Depending on where you are in a relationship with someone, receiving an unsolicited sext can be as unwanted as a random dick pic.

If you’re going in dry, let’s consider a few things first. Have you done this before? If so, the receiver is probably going to be pretty pleased about receiving something incredibly filthy at 11.00am whilst they’re at work. The same goes for a well-established sexual relationship. Even if you haven’t sent a sext before, if you know your partner well, sending a detailed message about going down on them will be surprising and so incredibly hot.

But if sex absolutely hasn’t been mentioned before and you want to send a sext, don’t. You might be the best sexter in the world and absolutely confident that they are going to be into it. But ask yourself this: do you want to be someone’s ick? It’s essential to feel someone out first. They might be vanilla and you are extremely, well, not; you might be a bottom, but they might also a bottom. Any of these scenarios could occur and, if you misread the situation, you’ll blow it all on a gross sext.

Already engaged in a flirty chat and not sure what direction it’s going in? Test the waters a bit by throwing in a funny but racy comment, such as ​“I’m not opposed to biting”, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. If the reception is poor, then you know to leave it alone. If it’s well received, you can now move on to creating a beautiful, seductive sext free from cringe.

There’s a fine line between incredible sexual prose and a message that could end up on beam_​me_​up_​softboi. You don’t have to be a great writer to get someone going, but you do need to be able to really think about the scene you want to create. Instead of getting stuck in a back and forth of ​“I want to do X to you”, try describing what that X is in detail. Get filthy and have fun with it.

The same goes for replying. Think about how X would feel and what you’d want to do back in that scenario. In this case, try not to think about what you think the other person wants to hear or read. Respond organically, really allowing yourself to be in that moment and imagine how your body would be reacting, how you would want it to behave. Don’t over describe the obvious – they don’t need to know how huge your dick is in every message, unless dick worship is your thing. Mix it up and tell the other person how you feel, mentally and physically. Once you have this down, you can even start throwing in some fantasies.

Sometimes – or a lot, if you become a pro sexter – you’ll find yourself in situations where the conversation turns to sexting a lot. If you’re just looking for a hookup, then that’s great. Find out exactly what you’re both into, build up all that sexual energy and tension, meet up and fuck each others brains out. Sexting is great for transforming what can often be an awkward, fumbling first fuck into something much better. You’ll already know how and where your partner likes to be touched, while they’ll be well-versed in what position is most likely to achieve your orgasm. The slight anonymity that messaging brings also means that you can also ask for things that can sometimes be a bit inhibiting face to face.

But if you’re looking for more than a hookup, then you need to take control of the chats and make sure you’re not constantly talking about sex. Begin conversations with a different vibe, or just ask them if they are looking for something more than banging. Sex is great, but if you want a partner and great sex, you need to be up front.

There is, of course, zero pressure sext. Flirting without being explicit is some people’s bag, plus, it feels less like you’re pre-planning a huge event. But however you choose to titillate your partner over text, just don’t use that purple devil emoji whilst doing it. Please.