Two men, some sex and a bit of self-therapy

A few years ago I was briefly seeing a guy and, as we were lying in bed post-sex, I thought he farted. We were snogging, then as I put my head back on the pillow, I noticed a proper stink.

I asked him if he’d farted. He’d already pissed on me in the shower, and while we weren’t quite at the point of farting in front of one another, I found it pretty funny.

“Nah, sorry,” he said. ​“It’s my dead tooth.” Christ.

I’ve had my fair share of dead-end dates and shags over the years. Hook-ups that amounted to nothing but a pub chat. For most of my twenties, I’ve wondered if there was something wrong with me. What if, after all this time, I wasn’t as hilarious as I thought I was? What if I was actually really ugly, or, worse, my cock was smaller than I thought?

I’ve been dating two guys at the same time over the past month. First Guy is what Cosmo would describe as ​“boyfriend material”. He does everything you’d want a solid life partner to do: he texts back, cooks, strokes my hair in bed. He even made me a slap-up breakfast the morning after we shagged for the first time (which was on the first date).

Second Guy, not so much. He’s reserved, sparing with compliments (though he did say I have good skin – win) and he was pretty open about going on to another date after we went for a walk last Saturday afternoon. That, I decided, was nothing more than a jealousy ploy. Bloody worked, didn’t it.

But he’s also really funny, dresses well and loves to party. We like most of the same things, he barely watches my Instagram Stories and we can go days without messaging. We haven’t had sex yet, because he waits ​’til the sixth date. I thought that was a mental concept the first time he broached the topic. Now, I get it. I think. Sex makes things complicated, doesn’t it? And besides, this time I was looking for something different.

For years, I thought a relationship would fill a void that I had been feeling. I’ve never been able to pinpoint exactly what ​“the void” was. But watching my mates do couple things on Sundays was a bit jarring. Having someone to bang on to after work, a partner to go on holiday with, someone to split the Tesco shop with – I was missing out, no?

I’d tried nearly everything else to fill ​“the void” – drugs, drink, one-night stands – and most of the time I’d wake up feeling worse than the night before. But what if I had a decent bloke to wake up to who was my actual boyfriend? I’ve never been in a relationship before, or even come close to one, for that matter. So, with all my naivety in this field, I reckoned a boyfriend would sort it all out. Fill ​“the void” good and proper.

That was until First Guy held my face in bed the morning after our third date and said, ​“I’m really into you”. It probably didn’t help that I’d had about two hours sleep because he snored all night, but it turned me off good and proper. At that moment, I realised I wasn’t ready for holding hands, or staring deep into each other’s eyes. He wanted morning kisses in the kitchen, I wanted to leave. It all felt a little too personal.

I felt pretty crap about it after. He’d made a lot of effort and did pretty much everything I thought I wanted a guy to do in a relationship. But finally, after many years, I realised I don’t want to be in a relationship. I’m pretty content with spending time by myself. Freedom’s nice, isn’t it? With all that said, why hasn’t Second Guy replied?