Love in Lockdown: A‑Z

Whether you’re solo-isolating, crashing at your parent’s pad, or converting your one-bed into a sleazy sex dungeon with your partner, COVID-19 will have affected your love life in one way or another.

Across the globe, there’s been a rise in sex toy purchases, a surge in divorces, viagra stock-piling and more PornHub site visits than ever before. You saucy lot.

Below, we’ve whittled down the hot topics surrounding love and sex in the self-isolation era. Try not to get too hot under the collar, it’s just a bit of fun …

Podcasts have enjoyed a significant rise in interest in the past few years. Some 7.1 million of you lot tune into them each week, according to a 2019 Ofcom report. But for those looking for something a little more sensual to the senses, try out some audio porn.

Last week, The Face profiled Devlin Wylde – a leading erotic hypnotist telling tales of werewolf gangbangs and tentacle bath tub sex. Weird. But this is how 5,000 super-soaked daily downloaders are getting their kicks. Give it a go.

Honourable mention: Anal.

Divorce is on the rise in China following the aftermath of a gruelling few months of couples quarantining together, according to a Financial Times report.

The apple of your eye may have lost its shine once you’ve realised just how rotten they are – much like Ms. Wu from Wuhan did. She told FT: ​“The epidemic gave me a chance to make up my mind.”

Ouch. Take regular breaks, sleep on the sofa every so often and when you’re finally ready to pull the plug: breathe, count to ten. It might just be the cabin fever talking.

Honourable mentions: BDSM, blowjobs, buttplugs.

The wormy member in between a bloke’s legs that sometimes goes hard without warning. Some are big, some are small. Some hairy, others balder than an eagle. If you need a proper definition, you’re probably in the wrong neck of the woods.

With that said, we get the feeling they’re coming in hand‑y in these lonely times.

Honourable mentions: Corona-themed porn, celebrity nudes, Chatroulette.

What has 72-year-old Larry David got to do with the joys of daytime sex? He loves it. The stinking rich funnyman said in The Korean Bookie, an episode in comedy series Curb Your Enthusiasm: ​“I love daytime sex! You can just go on with the rest of the day as if nothing happened”. Saucy bastard.

But with all this free time at your disposal, take a leaf out of David’s book. Once normal life resumes, you won’t be enjoying a Tuesday afternoon quickie on the kitchen counter for quite some time.

Notable mentions: Dildos, divorce, dick.

Eye contact is all we’ve got with touching out of the window. But that’s not to say we can’t use it to our advantage. Romance isn’t dead – it’s just two metres apart.

So next time you’re standing in the middle of an aisle in Tesco and catch a possible suitor walking towards you, take our lead: grab onto a phallic-shaped object (ie. salami, or a courgette if you’re vegan) and look them seductively in the eye while slowly placing it into your basket.

What next? You’ll either exchange numbers (at a distance) or you’ll be issued with a permanent ban from your local Tesco Express for misconduct.

Whatever the outcome, you heard nothing here.

Notable mentions: Erotica, ecstasy.

“I’ll take you up to the highest heights /​Let’s spread our wings and fly away,” sang Baby D on their 1994 dance classic, Let Me Be Your Fantasy. Reckon your snoring, farting, burping boyfriend could take you to the highest heights? Now is the time to find out.

What gets you going? What gets you off? What gets your palms sweaty? Mom’s spaghetti? If you’ve ever fancied seeing your fella in nothing but an apron making you a banana split, tell him. But keep it to yourself – at least until you’re hammered with your mates once the pubs open again.

Notable mention: Filth, fucking, foreplay.

Orgy aficionados need not fret. They’re still happening – online. Killing Kittens, the high-end private sex party community have been offering two-hour online community parties to its users. As ever, what goes on during these parties is all a bit hush-hush. But at £20 a pop (with 100% of the revenue going to Trussell Trust Charity), why not find out at the next one and fill us in on the seedy details?

Honourable mentions: Gay, gay sex, g‑strings.

I’m horny. Horny, horny, horny.

With Italy being the first European country to close its borders and put a nation-wide quarantine into effect, PornHub Insight’s statistics show the dramatic increase in its website visitors over the course of the first week of self-isolation. On 12^th March, PornHub offered free premium services. They saw a 57% surge in users.

Push the feeling on.

Notable mentions: Home, hard ons, hand jobs., hand shandys.

Isolation could breed a society of snivelling wrecks treating a hug like a smack in the face, and a handshake like a ticking time bomb. After this, we could become so suspicious of one another that intimacy is a forgotten relic of the past.

Or perhaps the lockdown could trigger a nationwide orgy on our very streets, where we’ve missed the touch of another human so much so that throwing ourselves at a middle-aged bus driver becomes common practice.

Let’s hope for somewhere in between.

Honourable mention: Internet (history).

Coronavirus can be contracted through sneezing and coughing – but what about spunk?

According to Dr Kristin Englund, MD, of the department of infectious disease at the Cleveland Clinic: ​“We really can’t make any statements about safety [of sexual activity] when we don’t have any data on it.”

Best not to spit or swallow.

Honourable mention: Jacking off.

Pubes. Now’s your chance to grow ​’em since you’re alone and only shagging a four inch vibrator. Put down the Veet, clippers, scissors, lawnmower, hedge trimmer and let it grow. Then perform a rendition of Bab-bush-ka in your living room and celebrate your Kate Bush in all its tangly glory.

“I’m all yours, Bab-bush-ka, Bab-bush-ka, Bab-bush-ka-ya-ya!”

Honorable mentions: Kissing.

Lovehoney: the cheaper Ann Summers – a playground of hopping Rampant Rabbits, buzzzzing cock rings and sharp devices to shove up for your ass for kicks. Set up 15 years ago, the online sex toy site now boasts an impressive stat: 1 in 3 sex toys sold online comes from their warehouse in Bath. Recently, Lovehoney’s representatives told Forbes that ​“quieter toys are doing well”.

For those of you in said households: what is privacy with mums, siblings, flatmates, nans or pets lingering around? Best to keep it on the silent setting if possible. Door locking advisable.

And don’t open any mysterious packages over the kitchen counter one morning – nan won’t be able to hack the sight of an 8.5” King Cock over eggs and soldiers.

Honourable: Love, last night, libido, lesbians, lube.

“More Joy is a lovely feeling…”

Christopher Kane recently introduced More Joy Indoors – the Scottish designer’s response to the age of quarantine. The capsule collection carries on Kane’s mission to spark More Joy by way of T‑shirts, silk pyjamas, eye masks and … a bullet vibrator.

For £30, you can enjoy a 12-speed setting, silent motor and perhaps the trendiest bullet vibrator on the market. I heard our digital editor tried it out and rated it 5 out of 5 stars.

Honourable mentions: Making love, making out, making up.

A hotly debated topic, nudes are as much loathed as they are flirtatiously giggled over. Unsolicited dick pics range from the bizarre to the downright gnarly – who knew chodes were so common? – while partners the world over ease the hardships of long-distance relationships by WhatsApp-ing a flash of skin straight over the Atlantic.

While you’re bored at home, and whatever your stance, don’t send without consent, don’t ask to be sent a nude, don’t expect a nude, keep it for your eyes only and probably best not to include your face, just in case.

Oh, and tidy your room. No one enjoys an obstructive background.

Notable mention: Naughty neighbours.

Online dating in the isolation era could just be the safest sex you’ll never have – unless your digital romantic advances pass through the finishing line and score you an *in real life* date post-isolation.

Wired recently reported that ​“Tinder has seen a 12 per cent increase in daily conversations in the UK, which on average in March were lasting eight per cent longer compared to February.”

But what is it like to date without the touch, tease, kiss, my place or yours? Our Features Editor and modern dating expert, Alexandra Jones, tells us:

“More apocalyptic than usual, with people proposing elicit meet-ups in graveyards (“because no one will spot us breaking social distancing rules”) and a strong undercurrent of hysteria,” she says. ​“If the current chat on the apps is anything to go by, the post-lockdown orgy will be terrifying.”

Overall verdict: ​“Silly, flaccid, but weirdly hopeful.”

Honourable mentions: Oral, orgasms.

Love and music – the OG couple goals. It can be traced back to Greek mythology, but its relationship hasn’t always been so smooth sailing …

Greek mythology tells the story of a feud between Apollo, the god of music, and Eros, the god of love. After the former mocks Eros for his use of a bow and arrow, naughty Eros gets fired up, shooting Apollo with a gold arrow and instilling a passionate love for river nymph Daphne. The moody Apollo does the impossible: he falls in love.

In 2020, the relationship between love and music is less vengeful, more inseparable. Just look at the soppy R&B tunes of the early ​’00s, or the sexed up, ramped up pop classics from Britney, or even Nine Inch Nails’ rawer take, Closer, in 1994 (“I want to fuck you like an animal” – oo-er!). These days, the pairing between love and music is still as strong as ever, evident in recent releases by Dua Lipa, Doja Cat and Lady Gaga.

So kick back, get comfortable, and enjoy this sexy playlist …

Notable mentions: Porn, PornHub, pubes.

It was medical comedy-drama Scrubs which first coined the term Quarantini in the SARS-related 2005 episode, My Quarantine. Tara Reid’s character asks ​“Anyone for a quarantini?” as mass-quarantine erupts in Sacred Heart Hospital. The quarantini is born.

Today, it lives on for obvious reasons. A drink can be a familiar, temporary friend for the single and alone, or for livening up a living room ​“date night” over a dry Lidl steak for those isolating with a partner. Lucky sods.

According to a Sky News report, wine sales rose ​“dramatically as UK locked down”, but there’s no need to succumb to an acidic bottle of vino every other night.

Spice it up and have a go at making an Espresso Quarantini following a recipe from chef Missy Flynn of London restaurant Bodega Rita’s, using store cupboard essentials instead.

Honourable mentions: Queer, questioning.

Coffee Quarantini recipe

Ingredients:

50ml spirit of choice (avoid gin for this one – it won’t be good.)

20ml coffee liqueur*

50ml coffee, ideally espresso, but strong French press or even cooled instant coffee will work as a very last resort.

20ml coconut milk or oat milk

* If you don’t have coffee liqueur, use 20ml of simple syrup:
Mix 30ml of honey or maple syrup, 1/​4 teaspoon of ground cinnamon and one heaped teaspoon of instant coffee into 150ml of freshly boiled water. Mix vigorously until it has all dissolved and let it cool. You can keep this in the fridge for up to two weeks.

Method:

Shake all of the above with ice in a lidded jar or container.

Strain it using a tea strainer to remove all the little bits of ice and any lumps of cinnamon, or coffee into a cold martini glass.

Sprinkle with ground cinnamon and cocoa powder.

Bodega Rita’s are selling cocktail mixes and ingredients for delivery in London via their site www​.ritas​din​ing​.com

The right-hand can provide temporary solace in an otherwise boring day. Its vice-like grip is a route to orgasm. But there is a corona-related reason to rub one out. We can’t solve the pandemic single-handedly, but nycHealthy – the official Twitter account of the NYC Department of Health and Mental Hygiene did issue this statement a few weeks ago:

“You are your safest sex partner. Masturbation will not spread COVID-19, especially if you wash your hands (and any sex toys) with soap and water”.

Honourable mentions: R&R, romance, Rampant Rabbit.

Your place or mine? Scrap that. By now, most of us know staying home is the best bet for tackling coronavirus, leaving only for essentials like groceries, one form of daily exercise, medical needs and travelling for work purposes – if you’re a key worker. So stay home!

Notable mentions: Stay homo, sex, sofa sex, sex toys, self-love, sexting.

Similarly, the almighty NHS advises us to stay at least two metres apart when going out for a short walk or to pick up groceries.

We’d like to think you weren’t going out and touching up strangers, anyway – but just in case, here’s the reminder (you can still touch yourself).

Notable mention: Talking, tantric sex, tag-bagging.

Being stuck indoors might mean a cycle of stained t‑shirt-nightgown-trackies, but changing your underwear is not only vital for general hygiene and upkeep of your bits, but also to maintain yourself as a fully functioning, pleasant adult human.

Men, this one’s for you: in a poll conducted by American underwear brand Tommy John last year, the results stank. It showed that ​“men are almost 2.5 times more likely than women to wear their underwear for more than a week” in America.

With little to no human contact, what’s there to lose from not changing your underwear?

Your dignity.

Honourable: Urine (golden shower!)

Since its explosion onto the pharmaceutical market in 1998, viagra has been a soft subject for men suffering from erectile dysfunction. In recent years, though, the stigma has appeared to lift. In 2017, The Guardian reported that NHS prescriptions had tripled ​“in 10 years as stigma fades”.

In the age of lockdown it seems users, whether medicinal or recreational, are stockpiling the little blue pill. According to UK Meds, a Nottingham-based online pharmacy, sales of viagra saw a spike as soon as the first cases of Covid-19 were reported in the UK: ​“the pharmacy has supplied more than 4,100 erectile dysfunction treatments”.

Things are looking up for some.

Honourable mention: Vagina, vominatri (go on – Urban Dictionary it).

In between wanking, spanking, video orgies, practicing kama sutra, making a coffee quarantini, washing your underwear and staying put at home, it’s probably best to get some good rest before the next day of frollicking resumes.

Honourable mentions: Wanking, whips.

PornHub has been the kinky site du jour for a number of years, ever since the likes of Mykki Blanco, Coolio and Waka Flocka Flame used the x‑rated streaming site to premier their music videos.

But as of today, Xvideos remains the most visited porn site in the world, according to web analytics service, Similarweb.

Notable mentions: Xhamster, XNXX, X‑rated.

Use this time to focus on yourself. Whether you’re opting for a sexual awakening with your partner, dusting off a Kamasutra for Dummies book from many office Christmas’ ago, or quite content fapping away on your sofa by yourself, this period of isolation could be used as a time for reflection.

Honourable mention: Yaoi (look it up).

Social distancing and video-chat app, Zoom, go hand-in-hand – and the world has shown its appreciation. Across the globe, It was downloaded 2.13 million times on 23^rd March (the day the UK announced lockdown), making its 56,000 downloads two months prior dwarf in comparison.

Zoom has allowed for colleagues to connect and separated families to check in, while also hosting online pub quizzes and boozy Friday happy hours.

But it’s also home to gay orgies. Over in New York, Slant​’s Andrew Kahn, a gay New York journalist, details his experience in an account:

“The stroking began soon after, our various rhythms and timbres overlapping like a minimalist composition. I switched for a while to the app’s gallery view, a grid of dicks, slack jaws, bellies, and butts, mine included.” Blimey.

Honourable mention: Z? Sod off. You try find one.