I’m no acrobat, but I’m still incredibly flexible for a fat, disabled mid-30s woman. Yet nothing fills me with dread more than questions like “which position is best for fucking?” – let alone which is best for pleasuring those of us who have vaginas.
Why? Well, I can guarantee a number of things. The answers to this question will usually involve very weird names for very ordinary positions. There will be tasteful, pastel graphics of near impossible manoeuvres for you and your partner to contort yourself into. And finally, there will be the absolute assurance of a “mind-blowing, earth-shattering” orgasm after you’ve mastered said impossible manoeuvres.
These aren’t only found in glossy magazines and on Instagram feeds. Each year, Love Island producers also contribute to this overcomplicated messaging with the “sex position challenge”. Like a 12A-rated game of reverse charades, an Islander will shout out the name of a sex position that couples must then get into, for example, the “butter churner”. I still don’t know what the butter churner is and I don’t wish to know. It sounds horrendous.
Every vagina is different. I don’t mean that in a body positive, we-should-all-respect-ourselves way, although I obviously endorse and promote that message. Anatomically, everyone is built differently. Some have shallow or deep vaginas, some have different kinds of labia that might hide the clit. Personally, I am here for those of us with a chubby pum.
If you are having penetrative sex with an actual penis rather than a toy or strap on, then the penis will also vary. And guess what? That means that the best position is going to vary not only for every person, but also every sexual pairing.
There are some moves that generally work for most bodies though, without having to stand on your head, butter churning yourself into a bruised rib like a medieval gymnast cum dairy maid, or corkscrewing until you get sciatica or snap a ligament in your knee (true story). Here are some positions that are universally known to penetrate deeper, hit those G‑spots and give you some chance of clitoral stimulation.
This is when the receiver gets on all fours, you know, like a dog. The person doing the fucking, with either their penis or a strap on, takes the receiver from behind, either on the bed or standing on the floor. Either way, they need to be level with the receiver to get fucking. Doggy is great for getting incredibly deep and hitting the right spots, no matter the size or shape of your vagina, dick or dildo. If you want clit stimulation too and have some sense of balance, I find that a wand toy is great. Reaching the clit with your hand is pretty hard in this position, but a large and chunky wand means you don’t have to get really precise, giving you that extra bit of dexterity.
Think of prone as a lazy doggy. The receiver is on all fours again, but instead slides down until only their butt is in the air. Because the person doing the fucking has to angle down, you will truly get your G‑spot hit up. Prone also allows you grind your clit against the bed or any surface you’re fucking on. As an added bonus, it also stimulates all those nerve endings in your butt as they’re pushed against your vaginal canal. Throw in a buttplug in too, if you are that way inclined. This is also a great position for terrible knees.
This is my all time favourite position, but I will try not to be biased. It’s really self explanatory. You and your partner are spooning and they slip inside you. Weirdly, for me, this only works facing one way and changes with each partner, so don’t be disheartened if it doesn’t work straight away. Just swap spoon sides! This is another position that gets really deep, but with the added bonus of having a lot of closeness. Your arms will also pretty much have free rein, so you can be really rough, or drive the other person crazy by touching them anywhere and everywhere else during the banging.
Eagle vs Missionary
Let’s be honest, missionary position never really gets deep enough, can often feel like your chest is being shoved into your own neck and generally isn’t ever gratifying in any way. Level up with the eagle, a position that sees legs go up, either on top of your partner’s shoulders, behind their shoulders but held up or, if you’re really flexible, over your own shoulders. All the different guises of the eagle mean that there isn’t just a slow or, worse, jack hammering person rutting you to a boring death. Your legs are elevated for that all important deep penetration. You can see your partner’s face, they can lean down and kiss you, speed up and slow down, and the clit can be stimulated with hands or a toy with ease.
This is also known as going “cowgirl”, but as I’m opposed to unnecessary names, let’s just call it going on top. Unless you’re really great at doing squats and have super strong thighs that know stamina, this position is hard work! For a lot of women, self-consciousness can be another obstacle, as the body is more visible in this position. We can try as hard as we like to “fuck flattering”, but in our most intimate moments we want to feel as confident as we can. If you’re not feeling it or haven’t reached that part of your journey yet, then you’re not going to have a great time and that’s OK.
But the benefits of going on top are pretty great. You have total control over the situation and how fast, slow or hard you want to go. You also get to go as deep as possible and, best of all, you have the ability to grind that clit as much as you can.