How to create a sexual fantasy

To be honest, the thought of sharing your deepest, darkest sexual fantasies with any partner – new or old – is fucking terrifying. We all have our thing and that thing is special to us. We’ve spent a long time on our own cultivating and honing these scenarios, and each one is extremely personal. Completely tailored and personalised to our tastes, they’re going to seem a little weird to an outsider, right? But no matter how much you try to scratch that itch on your own, you know that to fulfil that fantasy you ultimately need the help of someone else.

Sexual fantasies are completely normal and range from the fairly tame, such as a fluffy handcuffs, to the extremes of CNC (consensual non-consent) or incredibly niche kinks like sploshing. Whatever gets you going, I’m really pleased to tell you that you will not be alone. Thanks to the internet (and Rule 34, the unwritten law that if someone has thought of it, pornography exists about it), every fantasy, kink and fetish ever dreamed up by a person has been well-documented. That means that you can probably find another like-minded person, or even an entire community, to discuss your wildest ideas with.

But how do you go about communicating your fantasy to someone who, as far as you know, hasn’t expressed any interest in your secret desires? Well, the best time is 100 per cent not as you are about to commence any type of sex. Telling your partner that you have always wanted to be kidnapped by a scientist, immobilised by ropes and taken advantage of while they do sexy experiments on you, just as you are about to bang, is quite a lot of pressure to put on someone.

Start off in a neutral but affectionate space. That way, you’ll both feel safe sharing what is an incredibly intimate thing. Remember, hearing a person you’re interested in talk about something that turns them on is usually very sexy. After all, we want to make our partners feel as good as possible, so hearing them describe a scenario that gets them incredibly horny is, in fact, horny. Don’t hold back. Explain why your fantasy turns you on and exactly how you’d imagine your partner to be involved the best you can. Make them feel like part of the fantasy.

Unfortunately, I cannot guarantee that your partner will also get off on your ​“sex in a public place” fantasy. Occasionally, your thing might be a hard no for them, or could just be a turn off. As upsetting as that can be, keeping things consensual and fun for everyone is the most important thing when enjoying sex. This is commonly referred to as YKINMK (your kink is not my kink but that’s OK) in the BDSM community, which essentially means ​“I’m not into that, but I won’t shame or judge you”.

It could also be that your fantasy doesn’t completely get your partner going, but the idea of you being excited and turned on does. Because they’ll get pleasure out of it that way, they will probably be happy to work out how to make your wildest fantasies a reality. If you’re really lucky, your partner might be a secret patent leather boot worshipper too.

But what happens when your fantasy is on the darker, more niche side? Unlike fantasies, which can be any mental imagery, fetishes are when someone actually needs a specific object or idea to get aroused. Some fetishes have even been normalised due to things like Love Island contestants talking (maybe too honestly) about their love of feet. But more extreme sides of BDSM, such as service slave fetishes, where a submissive person will become a dominant’s personal slave, licking boots and even toilets clean have remained taboo.

Disclosing something like a foot fetish may seem really daunting, but think of it more like a very specific fantasy. Describe what it is exactly that you find hot and, again, how you imagine your partner fitting into your ideas. Explaining that you are actually into an entire lifestyle of fetishes and kinks might be slightly more difficult, especially if your partner has never expressed any interest in kink before. Start off slowly and maybe even show them your sex menu, a list of all your likes and dislikes, kinks and fetishes. That way you can find things you both like and play together, without dragging them to a sex dungeon and overwhelming them with a cross and bullwhip.

Be warned: your expectations for fulfilling your fantasy are going to be high. You need to remember that you have lived this out in your head for a long time. It’s not going to go exactly as you have repeatedly imagined it, so you need to be ready to readjust. You might even end up in a situation where your boyfriend knocks on the bedroom door, fully dressed up in a white coat and stethoscope, but the way he says ​“Hello” gives you the immediate ick and you never try anything remotely adventurous together ever again.

To avoid this, again, start off slow and try some non-cringe role-play first. Seductively talking into your partner’s ear about what you plan to do while touching them is also a great way to build up. There’s no point spending lots of money on props and outfit changes if you end up recoiling in horror because someone laughed at the wrong moment, or the outfit looks more Nurse Ratched than cute candy stripper. Find out what works and what doesn’t before really committing to your big scene.

Sometimes the transition from inside your head to real life just doesn’t work out, and the production value ends up looking more Blue Peter than Paramount Pictures. That’s OK – at least you’re out there doing you. But sometimes, with some planning, you can end up fucking the person in the uniform of your dreams, the one with a dragon dildo dick, who you call daddy while covered in head-to-toe PVC. You’ve had these fantasies in your head for so long, why not dream big? The world is your erotic oyster.